The Tale of Peter Bunnit
by Eagleflame
Summary: Zanza has always wanted a contingency plan in case Shulk managed to defeat him someday, and he's finally got it: New Game Plus. Just insert an Alvis/Zanza duplicate, sneak away, and finally reset the world. It's perfect. Then again, things never exactly turn out the way Zanza hopes, but with a second chance, what can go wrong? This is a parody of New Game Plus.
1. Reyn's Thyme

**This is a parody of** ** _Xenoblade Chronicle_** **'s New Game Plus. As a side note, it's standalone and doesn't link with** ** _Xenoblade Chronicles Abridged_** **. I hope you like it. And a big shout-out to Fanfiction user P.T. Piranha, Chapter 1 is full of their jokes. :)**

 **Any ideas are appreciated, of course, shared via review or PM, and I will provide a shout-out in the chapter that it is used (guests receive one in the pen name they go by for the idea); please, I welcome your thoughts, it really makes my stories better! I also field questions. :)**

"Long ago, like, literally eons ago, there were two great titans, locked in a timeless battle in an endless ocean, their heads scraping the top of the eternal sky. The titans were the Bionis and the Mechonis: can you guess who the bad guy is yet? After blows were struck, the two became tired and threw in the towel. I don't know why. I also don't know why they fought or why we live on two great titans, or even if this story managed to remain completely truthful in the centuries it's been passed down and retold, but whatever. Take it as real, I really can't tell anymore.

"Now, our world, this vast land stretching across the fossilized carcass of the Bionis — this is why you keep active, folks — is in jeopardy from the unrelenting attacks of the Mechonis. All but 2 colonies have been destroyed by these attacks, countless Bunniv lives…devastated. With just 21 gold a day, you too can save these wonderful, fluffy creatures. Just the cost of a cup of coffee can feed a family of Bunnivs for a year. So please, give now. Someday, your child's future pet…will thank you."

* * *

 **The Battle of Sword Valley, one year ago.**

Three men fall back against a tall barrier of metal. The first one, an old geezer, scowls at his younger companions; the man in the middle grins in reply while the clearly-a-villain, sketchy man — with black hair, sunken eyes, a pasty face, and Wolverine claws — of the trio moans and slaps his face. Despite the uniform appearance of everyone else around them, yes, even the obviously-evil man, the middle man looks the stupidest.

"Dunban, I told you to wear your defense uniform!" the old geezer, growls.

"Getting short-sighted in your old age, Dickson?" He leans toward him and chuckles dumbly. Dickson recoils at the sharp scent of musty fur, fabric, and alcohol. "Don't worry, I did."

"You idiot, that's the Makna series!"

"Heh, heheh, no it's not." Snorting, he takes another swig from the flask at his side and lifts his rather plain-looking, if not large, sword up. "We have the Monado. With this, the battle is ours for the taking!"

Mumkhar, the definitely-evil man with the name to fit, exaggerates his moans further. If anything, they sound desperate. "That's not the Monado!" he exclaims in a raspy, evil voice.

"Are you kidding me, you forgot it?!" Dickson says, his eyes bugging out. Just the mere sight leads Dunban into a flurry of giggles.

"Nope! I left it with Shulk, I figgered he needed it for somethin' or another." He waves his hand. "I just…can't remember what."

"That's it, I'm outta here!" With a stammer, Mumkhar stands up and throws his head back.

Dunban stands as well, sways, then grabs the man's arm to steady himself. Mumkhar moves away in dismay as the man's foul breath slaps his face. "Um, nooope, nopenope, don't go, what will we do with thhhheses things?" he asks, holding up his claws and trying to make up something cool to say. "I need to cut my vegetables."

"No! I am done!"

"But nooo." he cries out slowly and rather pathetically.

Before the man could continue making a fool out of the Defense Force — not that they need him to do that — Dickson cuts in. "We need to establish your character as Evil Villain Number 4. Behind Zanza, me, naturally, and Egil."

"Oh, okay. In that case, it's all cool then, old man."

He sighs and walks off. "Let's just show how this thing works."

Dunban stammers something and tries to catch up, one arm extended out. "Wait, what thing—?"

"The Monado thing that you so conveniently forgot!" he yells back.

"Sweet." Dunban replies. "Sall's good, man, I'm just awesome enough to use the Monado arts without the Monado. Don't ask how it works, I fergit."

Grunting, he swings his sword about five hundred times in about five hundred ways, and at the considerable, comedic effort on the young man's part, a purple glow bathes the trio. Mumkhar whimpers something under his breath as he ducks Dunban's drunken sword wielding yet again, only to not gauge how off Dunban swung it, and loses part of his scalp.

"Oh Bionis!" he screams. "What's my girlfriend gonna say now?"

"Cheryl's genna liek it," the man mumbles, swaying from the weight of his sword as the violet haze finally floats to life around them. "You look like a Gogol."

Mumkhar flushes red. "It's Désirée, s-shut up!"

" _What_?!" From the background, Xord advances toward the sketchy man. "Mumkhar, you dirty — AUUUGGHHHHHHHHHH!"

Dunban raises his eyebrows. "Okay. Not gonna see him again."

They begin calling out attack names like Pokémon, only Dunban seems to have gotten a little lost.

"Drunken Bottle Smash! Oh, urgh, I don't wanna break my flask, I don' even hava bottle, uhhhh… Hows'bout Silly Kick! How do I attack again, Dickson?!"

The group, minus Dunban, defeats the horde of vile mechon judging Dunban's Awesome Fighting Skills.

"I am Dunban, awesome hero number 1! Yayyyyyyyyy…"

"Shut. Up." Mumkhar replies. "I'm going to be the laughing stock of the Defense Force at this rate!"

"You already are," Dunban says in reply.

"I can't wait until Lord Zanza returns all of you lot to the Bionis," Dickson adds quietly, averting his eyes from the sad spectacle that's unfolding next to him.

Dunban suddenly collapses onto his knees as lightening lances up his right arm! He screams and falls over. "Ahhhh, ahhhh! The Monado, it's hurting me!"

"You don't have the Monado!"

"Dicky, play along!" he snaps between dramatic shrieks of agony. "Oh Bionis, the painnnn!"

"Ugh." Dickson rolls his eyes — then notices Mumkhar making his "getaway" to Galahad Fortress. "Eh." the man says with a shrug.

Mumkhar cackles as he glances behind him. "Perfect! Now I can hustle my buns back to Colony 9 and take the Monado right from under that undead-lookin' kid's nose! Aheheheheheh, I'm so evi— _iiiaaaaaaa_ l!" He trips and slips down a steep slope. "Ah poop. I went the wrong way again, _gosh dang it_ , why does this always happen to me, I'm just as bad as Dunban's little brat!"

A mechon approaches him and aims a squat laser his way.

"Yeah, you don't hafta rub it in!" he says nastily. "I can't even go back the other way now with dignity!"

Many more lasers point his way.

"Stop mocking me!" he sobs. Then he pauses and takes this scene in for a moment.

Totally-evil guy? Check. Evil opportunity to join the bad guys to get back at the good guys in a totally-evil way? Double-check.

Mumkhar grins and sits up. "Oh yeah! Oh yeahyeahyeah, riiiight there!"

" _Woooo-hooooo_!" Dickson and Dunban look up as their "friend's" scream echoes within the lonely valleys of Sword Valley.

"Oh well. What a pity, right?"

"We definitely won't see him again during the duration of this plot."

"Yep," Dunban says, sniffing the lip of his flask with suspicion. "Eh, did you water this down?"

"I wish I had."

"Oh, okay."

Pressing on, and on, and on! the two men manage to get within the span of three meters before a giant fortress unit ahead of them smashes down its comrades.

"Welp, let's fall back," Dickson eaks out. "I mean, I'm totally apt to fight this brute, but you? Ha! No way."

Dunban tears himself free from Dickson's support and dashes forward, holding up his sword with his other hand now. "By the power of Dunban! I have the power!"

A growl escaping his lips, the older man stalks over to the younger one and drags him away. "We'll let the Defense Force fall back to Colony 6."

"I mean, I could be drunk, but… That's super far down." Dunban replies.

"I don't care."

* * *

 **The Battle of Scrap, one year ahead.**

Shulk, an introverted engineer and weapons developer, collapses in a heap like the scrap around him. He had just finished riffling though as much of the junk in Colony 9's designated trash heap as he could, and he's found utterly _nothing_.

"Everything is useless!" he wails out to the world. "I can't get anything to work, I think this is artist's block!" Kenny Rohan has fascinated en mass with his tales of "artist's block," or in Layman's terms, "something that churns every single work you do into a piece of crap." Shulk finally understands it, finally understands why after the masterpiece of the Scrap Driver ("Why did I give that thing to Reyn, I should have hung it on my wall!"), his well of ideas has run dry. Now no one will ever take him seriously anymore.

"Hey, hey, dude."

The boy turns toward the Skeeter, balefully perched on an antenna next to him.

"Look over there. Yeah, over there. You want to get out of artist's block? Use that thing."

He gasps dramatically and stumbles to his feet. "An M69! Thanks, convenient hallucination Skeeter!" It flies off, and Shulk happily tugs on the large chunk of armor. "If I can just…get this thing off — whoaaaa!" Letting out a squeal, Shulk lands on his butt. "Dang it, it's stuck!"

The armor shivers and begins moving as a lonely Colony Krabble emerges from underneath. It looks at the boy as if ready to attack!

As Shulk remains petrified, completely helpless in all his scrawny glory, a hulking young man comes to the rescue, slapping the Krabble with his awesome, high-stats driver.

"Reyn!" the boy gasps. "It's just a Krabble, no need to slap it!"

The two stare at the Bionis creature as it lifts one leg up, rubs the spot where Reyn hit it, then… It…doesn't attack.

"What happened?" Reyn asks, scratching his head with his driver. "Hey," He looks over at Shulk, "What's your level, man?"

With a shrug, Shulk continues to yank at the Krabble shell. This time, it doesn't even bother to respond. "81. You?"

"The same. Huh, I guess even a Krabble knows not to mess with Zanza slayers, haha!"

Shulk looks up at him blankly, dropping the struggling Krabble. "Zan…za?"

Reyn blinks, a vapid look suddenly crossing his face. "No idea."

And as the world reset, so did Shulk and Reyn's memories.

"Anyways, we gotta get back, Square-tashe is gonna kill me if I don't hustle my buns!"

The future-Monado-wielder cracks a wry grin. "Heh, I bet he'd kill you even if you do!"

"Got me there. Come on, at the very least he won't accuse me of stalking you again if we get back fast enough!" The two homs begin walking back to Colony 9, a cheerful air around them. "You heading to the weapon development lab again?"

"When I've sold any parts I can't use."

 **HE DOESN'T.**

* * *

 **The Military District, otherwise known as Hell's Kitchen.**

"HOW DARE YOU CRASH THE MOBILE ARTILLERY INTO A HOUSE! WHAT WERE YOU EVEN DOING IN THE RESIDENTIAL DISTRICT?!"

With a sharp inhale, the soldier on his left mutters something, as if trying to remain calm. It's not working. "Um, well, _sir_ , you can't get to the Military District in under 40 seconds! It's impossible!"

Vangarre seems to have sobered for a moment. He pauses, glances up at the birds chirping cheerfully in the sky…then looks back down and punches him. "YOU MISSED THE BOAT, TIM, _AGAIN_! AND FOR GOING OUTSIDE OF MY BOUNDARIES FOR YOU, I WANT A MILLION PRESS-UPS, AND YOU BETTER NOT STOP UNTIL YOUR BICEPS **EXPLODE**!"

Both men recoil immediately at that. Then the one of the right laughs. "Riiight. See you later, Timmy."

"OI! YOU TOO, SATORL-BREATH!"

"But why me?" he whines.

"YOU FAILED AT MOVEMBER!"

"No…" The man, a hardened soldier, begins to cry as he covers his mouth. "Stop making fun of my halitosis…"

Vangarre rolls his eyes. "DOES EVERYBODY MISS THE BOAT?! GET THE MOBLE ARTILLERY BACK HERE, HALITOSIS, AND DO IT WITHIN 40 SECONDS OR ELSE I'LL MAKE YOU CLEAN UP YOUR BICEPS! AND BELIEVE ME, THE GRAVEL AROUND THE TRAINING GROUNDS DOESN'T CLEAN WELL!"

"B-but sir…"

"WHAT NOW?! I WANT YOU OUT OF MY FACE, YOUR BREATH STINKS!"

"Sir, the ether cylinder is empty. Tim ran it down after doing donuts near Anti-Air Battery 1."

Throwing his hands up, the wild-mustached man who's probably won his fair share of Facial Hair Awards, merely walks away. He inhales desperately, then briefly flashes back to face them. "I'LL MAKE REYN DO IT, I CAN'T TAKE YOUR RANCID BREATH ANY LONGER."

As the two walk past a bewildered Shulk, Halitosis bumps into him purposely. "Don't. Ever join the Defense Force," he says with a mutter. Shulk, in response, nearly dies gagging from the man's horrible breath, a mix of Dunban's Makna armor, Dickson's alcohol, 1,000-year-old eggs buried somewhere around the colony, and Reyn's stinky toes. Don't ask how Shulk knows that.

It was a long story having to do with a revenge gag gone too wrong. Reyn didn't wear shoes for a year afterward.

* * *

Sighing, Shulk slumps into the weapon development lab. Dickson abruptly manifests on the laboratory's counter, and at the sight, the boy squeals and stumbles backward. "Dickson!"

"Hey, Shulk m'boy, how're you holding onto life? With sheer ignorance?" Bubbling a laugh, he slips down from the counter and throws an arm around Shulk's frail shoulders. "Ahahaaa, forget I said anything. I've been looking at your research. Didn't hafta write a whole research paper on it, you know I can't read."

"I'm sorry, what did you say?" Shulk, his eyes glued onto the red blade of the…super-fancy replica Monado? perched on a stand enjoying the center of the lab, looks up at the man. As he straightens, the True Monado jiggles on his back. "Um, yes." he replies testily. "Sososo—! I discovered that — no, hold on, this is great! — that there are actually a lot of different symbols that can appear on this weapon!"

"Eh? Is that what this thing says?" Dickson asks, lifting the loose pages up.

"Yes, exactly. There should be about, I dunno, a lot, but I haven't gotten a chance to break the centre glass to find out yet!"

Dickson has to stifle his girlish scream. "You want to do what?!"

"Yeah, see, there're all these layers, like a Nopon, only less round —"

"Shulk, you gotta get out more!"

The boy stops at Dickson's growl. "What? But I was just out."

He scoffs, plants his hands onto the boy's back, and shoves him out the doors. "Get! Out! More!"

"But I was just at the scrap yard all day! Like, literately all day, I have a sunburn on my buttcheek!" Shulk screams and fights Dickson pathetically. " _I don't wanna be eaten by Bunnivs_!"

* * *

 **In the day of the life of A New Faux-Main Character…**

A storm pounds on the windows of an isolated house at the far end of the Commercial District, where a man, stripped shirtless, reclines in his bed; a girl on the first floor slaves away in the kitchen. She scoffs, picks up the tray, and mocks up the best smile she could ever muster.

"Oh, Dunban~?"

Dunban hastily finishes off a super-tiny glass bottle and sets it down at the side of the bed. "U-Um, Cattttttttthhhheeerine!"

"Um, no." she replies flatly. "It's Fiora."

"Ahahahahahahaha… Silly Cathy."

"Anyways, I brought you dinner!" Fiora holds up the tray and sets it down on the bedside table, steam curling from the yellow curry. "Something to…" Narrowing her eyes, she sniffs the air. "…Lessen your…drunkenness."

With an exaggerated — yet wholly sincere — gasp, Dunban dives over the edge of the bed and tries to shove all 20-something empty tiny travel-bottles underneath it. Only to fail, because Fiora grabs him by the skin folds of his neck and pulls him back toward her. "Ow! Ow ow owieee, Cathy! I'm not d-d-drunk!"

"You're terrible. Eat your curry, Dunban."

Shrugging, he throws his right arm, heavily scarred and stiff, over the headrest of the bed before cracking open another bottle with his teeth. "You wanna drink?" he offers in a slurred voice.

Fiora only shakes her head. It was more in disappointment, really. "No, thank you," the girl remarks coldly, "I don't drink."

"Eh! More fer me~! Heheheh…" Dunban chuckles before chugging the bottle. "I tink I'm ready for the Monado again!"

"What?!" She gets right up in his face. The man recoils. "Don't say that, Dunban, don't say it!"

"What the big deal, eh, Fior…" Confusion dulls his already-glassy stare. "Cathy? It's just a plastic blade!" He erupts into giggles again. "I just…dunno how it _zapped_ me when I wazn't even usin' it." the man finishes in a mumble.

"You're drunk, you clearly don't remember." Fiora sits on the floor beside her brother's bed and draws her knees up to her chest. "I almost lost you, Dunban, I don't want to lose you again!"

"But I didn't use it," he replies in a childlike tone. "Jussss go! I wanna be alone with my Mechonis Mark! Get some food to Shook before he cacks over, hahaaa!"

"Don't you mean Shulk?"

"No."

Dunban stares down the lip of the bottle — now completely empty — before sticking out his tongue and running it along the rim. Fiora only storms off. "Eat your curry, Dunban."

"What curry?" The man frowns at her, and she points firmly to the bowl still sitting next to him. He then, after drunkenly exclaiming an "oh," takes the spoon in his bad arm and **drops it**. "Spoon nooo," he cries out pathetically. "Cathyyyy? _Caaaathyyyy_?"

Fiora, in a huff, strides out of her home with a basket slung over her shoulder. The rain has thus stopped as the moon begins to rise above the tall houses and cliffs surrounding the meager colony.

"Ooffff!"

"Oi! Hey, watch it, brat!" She looks up in surprise as Deus Ex Dickson scowls down at her. "Where're you goin' in such a hurry?" Eying the girl suspiciously, he folds his arms. "Out rendezvousing?"

"Ew, no! I'm going to see Shulk —"

"I KNEW IT!"

"— To bring him his dinner, Dick!"

"I KNEW IT!"

"Shut up! Anyways, I'm heading to the _most romantic spot imaginable_ ," the girl says with a sarcastic edge, "the weapon development lab."

Dickson snorts. "He's not there right now."

"He's not?" This surprises Fiora. "Really?"

"Yeah, I sent him out to get some fresh air." The man looks briefly up at the sky for no reason other to be enigmatic before smiling smugly. "You know where he'll have gone."

Fiora's body tenses in anticipation. "The scrap yard!"

The homs pauses from puffing on a cigar, inhaling in pure shock, and begins coughing and choking as some of its smoke sucks down his airways. The tobacco roll tumbles to the ground. "What?!"

"You're saying he's not?!" the girl replies, aghast.

He waves his hands and continues coughing. "No! What made you think that, Dunban? You know how he is drunk!" he finally spits out. "Gah! I'm done." Dickson grabs at his chest, gasps for air, and pounds on it. "It's New Years' Eve, I'm giving up smoking."

"Speaking of Dunban." Fiora says, shuffling her feet in embarrassment.

He stops at the doorframe. "Ugh, what is it now?!"

"Dunban's gotten into your stash." Fiora says simply.

Dickson swears and hurries into the house, bolting up the stairs; every step he traverses is sprinkled with obscenities that would make even Frenzied Bana blush. "May Zanza curse your failed liver forever, Dunbaaaaaan!"

Blinking, Fiora exhales a weak protest before rolling her eyes and heading off. "Sheesh. Can't get decent information out of anyone conveniently located for me these days."

* * *

 **Outlook Park, or The Park Outlooking Colony 9, plagued with Shulkitus.**

"If only Dickson would let me break the centre glass piece of the Monado, _then_ I could figure out the power of it!" Shulk muses.

Outlook Park is never very busy at this time of night — especially when Shulk is there. He always seems to frighten everyone away, he doesn't know why, really; maybe it's his constant rank smell never mended with a hot shower, or maybe it's his constant talk about the Monado, that weapon that his childhood hero Dunban wielded in the Battle of Sword Valley. He seems to be the only one who doesn't view it with lust. Hm.

"Oh Shulk~!"

He frowns and turns around on the bench outlooking the colony. "Fiora! How on this infinite ocean did you find me!"

"You sound genuinely flabbergasted." she replies dryly. "Look, I brought you, erm…" Lifting up the basket, the girl glances at the midnight sky. "Um, dinner?"

"Sweet, thanks." Shulk says, though he doesn't seem to be paying all that much attention. "If only…Reyn wouldn't use the Monado as a vegetable cutter again…"

Exhaling in exasperation, Fiora sits down next to Shulk and opens the basket, shoving a sandwich into his hands. "Eat!"

"But I'm not hungry—"

" _Eat_!"

"Okay, okay! Fine!" Shulk shoves a mouthful of his midnight snack into his mouth. He chews, swallows, and nods thoughtfully. "It's good!" he says in sincere surprise.

At his tone, Fiora recoils and scrunches up her face. "Oh _really_?"

"Y-yeah." The homs takes another bite.

"Oh _REALLY_?" She jumps up. "Ha! You're lying! Shulk has no sense of taste!"

"Are you saying I'm not Shulk?" he asks, completely missing the boat.

Fiora flops back down and sighs, folding her arms. "No. Only Shulk would be nuts enough to be up here by himself mumbling nonsense about the Monado again."

Shulk abruptly gasps and lifts up a slice of the white bread. "You used special herbs and spices today!"

"How did you know?! It's thyme!" she replies eagerly. He groans and drops the sandwich to his lap. "What?"

"Son of a Dickson. You tricked me! You thought I wouldn't notice the long green stems I keep picking out of my teeth, well, I don't appreciate that much never, Fiora!"

Her head drops to her hands. "Ugh! And to think Reyn insisted you'd fall for it!"

"Huhhh… Anyways, enough about Reyn and his Thyme. Or is it Reyn…Time…?"

Suddenly, sirens ring!

From below, faint screams are heard as Colony 9 villagers scramble for cover.

"It's mechon, it's mechon!"

"Run away!"

"YOU IDIOTS, HOW MANY TIMES TO I HAVE TO TELL YOU THAT THIS IS THE DEBRIS SIREN?!"

Fiora scrambles to her feet and snatches the sandwich away from Shulk's crotch. Giving him the stink eye, she bites into it hard and snorts. "Let's go, Kenny Rohan, I'm shocked you haven't found a way to extend the coverage of the Anti-Air Batteries."

"Hey, as long as this guy gets herded to a shelter, I don't really care."

"You're so egotistical."

"Well, call me Klaus and bust my buttons, really?!"

"I won't dignify that with an answer."

 **That moment when you find an actual manga short for** ** _Xenoblade Chronicles_** **called "** **ディクソンさんといっしょ** **!," aka,** **"Together with Dickson!" No, I'm serious. I'm pretty sure 4-year-old Shulk tries to kill a Bunniv with Dickson's sabre.**


	2. Definitely Not Désirée

With the midmorning sun on their backs, the two teenagers rush back to the Weapon Development Lab—only to see a familiar sight.

"Reyn!" Shulk gasps.

"Reyn!"

"Reyn, what are you doing?!" Panting hard from his sprint back to the colony, Shulk grabs at the Monado in his friend's baffled hands. "That's mine!"

"I didn't think I'd get caught—!" Reyn stammers something and points to his friend's back. "B-But you already have one that's super more cool and fancy! And besides, I need to cut my vegetables again, let go, Shulk!"

They scream as Reyn goes to tear it from the fragile Bunniv's tough grip, and he loses control, the Monado exploding with a power they've commonly seen before and thrashing the poor kid around. "Help, help me! Gah, I hate it when this happens, I screwed up my nuts last time I tried to use it! Shulk, I thought you fixed it!"

"I am a very busy person."

Fiora shrieks and cowers as the Monado cuts her and a little machine in half, blood spurting from the metal parts—oh wait.

She pauses as Reyn grunts, tripping as his sword abruptly deactivates and drops him to the ground. "Oh, I'm not dead. Fake-out, players, hahahahaha!"

"No, but that red herring will become an actual event soon," Shulk mutters quietly back, breaking out into thin coughs. She doesn't hear him, though Reyn chuckles, then grows silent and furrows his brow. As Shulk's eyes fixate upon the ruined piece of technology, he lets out an anguished sob of agony, pain, and that gut-wrenching deadness of heartbreak. "OH MY BIONIS, MY PRECIOUS BABY!"

The girl blushes. "Oh, thank you, Shulk, I um—"

Shulk picks up one half of the machine and cradles it against his chest. "Oh, my poor child, what did that horrible id man do to you?!"

"What?! W-What about me, I could have died! I mean, I didn't, but I could've!" she says.

"Horrible id man?! What's an id man?!"

Shulk only scoffs at both his friends' outcries. "Well, you didn't, so… B-But this! This amazing, cherished, technological marvel! You will never know the hole in my heart that Reyn's Monado wielding left! This is not replaceable!"

"Not replaceable?! I am sorry, Shulk, have you lived in a hole your entire life? _Homs_ are not replaceable, you are the Kenny Rohan of Colony 9, that machine is replaceable, you can fix that machine!"

"You're totally replaceable, Fiora. In fact, I was just musing recently how the _Mechonis Journal_ 's article on Core Units was all very fascinating! That Egil scientist is such a smart lady, I'd love to meet her someday!" He turns to glare at Reyn. "But enough about that! Reyn, what were you doing?!"

Reyn rubs the back of his head sheepishly. "Um, I wanted to ask you for a favor, but you weren't here, so I'm like, I'm gonna take this opportunity to fondle the Monado again! I almost never get this chance, yeah?"

"Seriously…?" Shulk replies, staring at his friend as if he's this freakish person. "The one time I get out of the lab, and you try to touch my precious child?! Son of a Dickson, freaking Murphy's Law…" As he stands, stroking the blade of the Monado in his pasty hands, the incredibly-dangerous weapon reactivates at Shulk's careless smack of it against its stand. The boy wonder, with a moan that he often makes when trying to release constipation, doubles over at the Monado's abrupt weightiness. "Oh, Bionis, it's happening again…!" His irises glow a sci-fi blue, and his face explodes with light!

Frightening flashforwards greet his vision.

 _"_ _Look at you! Worthless without the Monado!"_

 _Shulk shouts back, "Can no one see my Monado III?!"_

 _A purple giant leans forward, and the scene shifts to an angry, big-breasted woman clutching an ether rifle. "Until I've scrapped each and every one of you Colony 9 boys!" As she speaks, the scene flashes again to a grey, mechanical-looking man whose mouth moves in tandem with "Colony 9 boys."_

 _Shulk sees an old man who strangely isn't Dickson and a hot girl who definitely isn't Dickson._

 _"_ _So, of course, I want to get my revenge!" Shulk jabs his thumb at his butt. "I got a sunburn on my bum, for Reyn sakes!"_

 _Another old man—who still wasn't Dickson, shockingly—with heavy headwings glances behind him._

 _"_ _Your blade…it did not cut deep enough."_

 _"_ _This all seems very familiar…"_

 _A giant faced mechon plunges elongated claws into a vehicle. Shulk screams, "NooooOOOOOoooOOooOo!" as the mechon retracts them, crimson blood dripping from the metal. "The machines really are real!"_

 _"_ _Stop screaming, or else I'll kill her for realsies!" it says in a totally evil voice._

 _"_ _NOOOOOOOooo_ ooOOOooooOOOOO!"

"Shulk! Shulk! Are you okay?!" Reyn outcries. "Your face just exploded!"

He gasps back the scream and recoils. "No, no, it's okay, I just had too much caffeine." With a groan, Shulk stands and presses a hand against his back, cracking it. Fiora flinches at the grating and popping noises that remind her a bit too much of the time she had to help out Jan for her Littlepon Merit Badge.

"Remind me never to drink Dickson's coffee again," Reyn mutters.

"It's…not coffee he makes."

He exhales. "Um, so look, the reason I'm here is that Colonel Vangarre's makin' me go and clean up Tim's mess again. Not only do I have to get new ether canisters, I also hafta put down new sod over the donuts he did with the mobile artillery!" the boy says, his voice climbing into a rant. As he speaks, he moves his hands in the air, and Shulk recalls Vangarre's go-to angry gestures. Then he smirks.

They're two of a kind.

"Shulk! Are you even listening to me?!"

"Ummm, yeah, of course, Reyn." He straightens and puts the Monado back. "Well, I don't really know what to tell—"

"So, you know, I was just hoping I could drag you along too!"

Shulk stops. He inhales, then exhales, then closes his eyes. " _What_?"

With an outcry, Fiora slams her hands onto her hips. "You're taking _my_ Shulk where now?"

" _Your_ Shulk? He's totally my Shulk, Fiora!" Reyn exclaims. "I've been watching his bum since we became best friends!"

" _WHAT_?" Shulk bellows, whipping around. "I am no one's Shulk! I am my own homs!"

"Yeah, your own homs long enough to jump into _Super Smash Brothers_ without us!"

"They invited me!"

"They technically invited Zanza!"

The boys fall silent. Their eyes glaze over.

"Anyways, you coming?"

"Yeah, sure."

They walk out. Fiora can only stumble back from the doorway—then she huffs. "They think they're so smart, hah! Trying to get me away from a 'man's job.' Just wait until you biff it when you realize all the ether cylinder containers are, gasp, _gone_!" With a little hoppity-skip, she follows them like a stealthy Feris. "They'll never see meeeeeee…"

* * *

The boys halt at the entrance to Tephra Cave as a female shoe steps out from the shadows. They glance at each other, sweat beginning to bead on their foreheads.

"Son of a— Is that Désirée?" Shulk asks, squinting.

"Crap," Reyn mutters, "I shouldn't have told Emmy Leater that a date to Tephra Cave sounded cool."

Shulk looks up at him in shock. "Wait, she actually asked you out? I didn't think anyone was gonna ask you out!"

"She said we were gonna play! 'Let's do it in Vilia Lake, where no one can hear us over the sound of the rushing waters!' Dude, it's a playdate!"

His friend continues to stare at him. Reyn could swear his irises have shrunken. "Do you even know what she was asking you…?"

"Yeah, to a playdate. What's wrong with you, man?"

Fiora stumbles out. " _Reyn_!"

Both boys scream. "Definitely not Désirée!" Shulk blurts out.

"F-Fiora!" Reyn says. "What're you doin' here?!"

"How did you get past us, we would have seen you! There's no other way up to Tephra Cave than this path!"

She, attempting to ignore their snipes, smirks and lugs out three canisters from behind her back. "You boys forgot something~."

Reyn snarls an obscenity under his breath and slaps his face. "Son of a Dickson. I thought we checked them!"

"Imagine if we got to Cylinder Hanger then realized our mistake!" Shulk says.

With a disgusted snort, she tosses the heavy canisters the Monado Boy's way. "I wish you did."

As the trio strides into the cave, the outside light casting bright spots on the grey rock pressing in on all sides, crushing them, smothering them, Shulk begins to slouch in further, his hands constantly rubbing his arms over and over and over again.

Then the claustrophobia passes.

They're out.

Or, rather, out in an open area with a gaggle of Bunnivs.

"Aw, they're so cute!" Fiora squeals. "I've never been this far into the cave!"

Shulk and Reyn both stare at her. "Wait, what? You've never been outside of Colony 9 before, _ever_?" Reyn asks, dumbfounded.

She shrugs. "Yeah, so? Neither has Shulk."

"Actually—"

"I wanna pet the Bunnivs!" the girl blurts out. "Reyn, pet them for me."

"What?! Why me?!"

"Because if they attack, then you'd take the blunt of the aggro and I won't have to worry about dying! I'm only level 14. Don't know why you two are so much stronger, is this a feminism thing?!"

With a snort, Shulk grandiosely walks forward with the air of the true Monado wielder, pulls out his blade, and slaughters the entire group of animals before they could even turn around and bristle their fur. "That went well." The two homs stare at him. He turns back to them and gestures. "What? It's not like they were gonna attack me or anything. Why are you so broken up, Fiora, I'm fine."

Fiora bursts into tears. Reyn pats her shoulder absentmindedly before moving on.

* * *

Fiora exhales as the group approaches Mag Mell Ruins, her cheeks lightly flushed from exertion. Shulk gasps for breath before breathing in deep and straightening from his stooped position, his knuckles white against his kneecaps. The color has drained from his sweat-soaked face.

With a laugh, Reyn surveys the area. "Man, what a buncha jokers, huh? I can't believe how easy this place suddenly is!"

"You've never been here before, Reyn," Shulk manages out.

Their eyes glaze over, and Fiora scratches her head. "And you have?"

"Well, of course," replies Shulk proudly. "I go here all the time to do research, did you know that this place used to be a giant airshi—"

"Nope, don't care." Reyn strides past the scientist.

Fiora gives him the strangest of looks. "You managed to survive the trip getting here? You're the glass cannon that couldn't even make it to Colony 9 and train on his own without dying at the start of the game!"

He shrugs. "It's a glitch."

As the trio make their way up the airship stairway, the metal clanging underfoot, Shulk turns down the corridor and sees a sight that stirs his scientific mind. Reyn blinks, confused as to why his friend stopped. "What's up, Shulk?"

Fiora shoves them both away. " _Boys_. Come on."

"B-But if I can just clip through this door!"

"Nope!"

With sighs of relief, the group makes it through the ruins and into bright sunlight. Reyn shrugs and makes his way to Cylinder Hanger in the distance. "See, easy."

Fiora scoffs and rolls her eyes. "Yeah, sure, and the next thing we know we'll be a boss battle!"

And sure enough, Reyn comes screaming back up the hill, only to run smack into a green barrier. The blond pair winces as he collapses. Two olden machines slink from the overhang of Cylinder Hanger, their red orbs for eyes blazing crimson.

They begin smacking into Reyn!

"Reyn!" Shulk says.

"Reyn!"

The Monado boy shrugs. "Eh, oh well, he'll suffer. We can't do anything now."

"Yeah."

"Hey, so you want to hit Giorgio's, catch his late-day sales?"

"Mm!" Fiora replies. "I'm so ready to eat, we've been in that cave for hours!"

They walk away as Reyn lets loose mangled shrieks of agony.

* * *

As the pair skip-travels back to Cylinder Hanger, they glance around. Fiora narrows her eyes before turning to the entrance into Tephra Cave—where a familiar and just as pathetic sight greets them.

She sighs. "Reyn, really?"

Shulk blanches as he glances behind him. "Dude, not in front of my lady!" he shouts, gesturing wildly to Fiora. She slaps his hand away. Her eyes fall down to Reyn's waist, where she only smirks.

Reyn straightens, blinks, and stutters. "S-sorry, I had to go. Didn't think you guys would come now!" he adds hotly.

" _Oh_ ," Fiora replies, "always expect me."

The two boys shudder at her ominous words.

"So, what, we going to beat those things in the hanger or stand around watching Reyn—"

"Okay, okay, we get it!" Reyn cuts in, shoving his pants back up. "Next time I'll hike to the Mechonis to pee!" he adds sarcastically.

The girl walks past him and pats his shoulder. "Your efforts are fruitless. Like I said," She turns a gleaming eye his way. "I'll _always_ be there. Through flood, through famine, through rain, fire, and mechon attacks, by golly, I will hunt you down to the darkest depths of the ocean and _find you_."

"Even through death?" Shulk pipes in.

"Oh, especially through death."

"Then you can be the first to enrage those things!" Joyfully, the Boy Wonder shoves Fiora forward, and as she stumbles, she grabs Shulk's sweater and pulls him along after her. Reyn yips and follows, only to trip, causing all three to tumble toward Cylinder Hanger. A green barrier suddenly flickers to life!

Shulk pulls out the Monado III and swings it wildly. The strange machines, ivory in color and as angry as the Gem Man when no one stops by his stall, collapse into pieces within the slightest scratch of the blue blade made of light.

The three teenagers stop fighting and blink as they stare down at the limp parts. Shulk croons in happiness and drops to his knees as he shifts through them, muttering incessantly to himself over something or another. A light flares in his eyes, light that hasn't been there since he invented the Scrap Driver.

Reyn blinks, then scowls. "I didn't even get a hit in!"

"How did they beat you?!" Fiora, hysterical, says to him. "I mean, we weren't worried about you at all, but seriously, how?!"

He shrugs. "Um, well, they more like were really, really enthusiastic dogs. They just wanted to lick you, Shulk, you didn't have to harvest them for scrap!"

"W-Well, I could've made a great shield out of them, I FINALLY HAVE INSPIRATION!" Shulk cries, picking up one of the machine's curved armatures and clutching it in his pasty hands. The boy collapses under the part's weight.

Abruptly, the sky grows dark as **flames shoot from the colony**!

Fiora screams and stumbles back, and the group falls into Shulk. "What's that?!"

From below, sirens of a different sound ring out. The frustrated shrieks of Vangarre also ring out.

"MOVE, YOU IDIOTS! THIS IS THE _MECHON_ SIREN!"

"It's just debris!" someone else shouts back.

As if in response, Vangarre utters something so animalistic that not even Dickson drunk could interpret, and a _thump_ and a drugged groan are the only sounds heard afterward.

"DO I HAVE TO SHOUT?! MOVE, MOVE, YOU'RE ALL A BUNCHA SLACKERS!"

The trio can only stare past the cliff face.

 **Reader (Guest): That is a very intriguing idea! When I can write it up (hopefully soon), it'll be a fun project!**


	3. The Chapter Where Fiora DIES

This was one of those days which reminded Shulk of the time when Reyn tried to cook.

It wasn't the day he used the Monado—no, that boy always makes sure that he and that weapon have their personal space. Shulk openly wonders just what Reyn does with it, and Fiora only groans and holds her head in her hands, muttering something about never touching that thing again. Nope, it was the day when he decided that Dickson's kitchen was better than his own to barbecue some Giants' meat he somehow dug up around Anti-Air Battery 1.

But no matter, because the trio of friends discovered that Reyn doesn't need the Monado to burn Shulk's house down—in fact, he doesn't even need to do anything, because there it was, burning away with nothing and no one to torch it.

"Reyn," Shulk asks, "what did you do?"

"N-nothing!" he says, sounding totally guilty.

"Don't bother blaming Dunban again, because I'm doing it first!" Fiora replies. She twists her neck and looks around them. "Well, come on, skip travel us so we can get down there quickly!"

Shulk closes his eyes and starts humming: a low thrumming sound that gives Reyn the willies. Then he jerks back to life. "Pfft, on this important occasion? We can't do nothin', man!"

Reyn groans. "The one time we need it, too!"

And _then_ they see the Mechon.

"Nope, let's take our time," Fiora says, pushing the boys back to the rear entrance of Tephra Cave.

"Let's not!" Shulk grabs the two, wheels around, and leaps over the edge of the cliff.

Screaming, the trio splash down and somehow make it out more alive than those Mechon would leave them. The teenagers drag themselves onto shore, their skin red and stinging. "Oh, dear Bionis!" Shulk gasps.

"If we hurry, we can still make it to the shelters along with Marcia, Jan, and Dionysis!" Fiora says, and Reyn nods along.

"Let's not!" The two teens grumble as Shulk drags the crew up to the Commercial District's entrance. "Okay, Fiora, go see if Dunban is alright!"

"He's probably passed out!" Reyn remarks with a snigger. Shulk merely slaps his arm in reply. "Oi, Shulk, what a great pick in childhood heroes! And father-figures for that matter!"

"What?! What do you mean, I am a great judge of character!"

Fiora huffs and places her hands onto her hips. "Do I have to? Why don't you do it, Shulk? Reyn?" She casts an accusatory stare their way.

"Ummm…" Both boys look at each other, then at her. "Nope," they croon simultaneously.

Rolling her eyes, she sprints into her home and pounds up the staircase. "Dunban! Dun _ban_?" Then she sighs as she spies some dark chestnut hair peeking out from behind the bed. "Oh, Meyneth, strike me down now." Then her eyes glaze over. "Oh…Bionis, I mean."

"Ah, Fiora!" Dunban bolts to his feet and grabs the bedsheet off the bed, swiftly throwing it around himself one-handedly. Only it doesn't quite work. "Dangnabbit, Monado!" He squeals and tries to grab at the other end of the fabric to pull it closed. "What are you doing here?!"

"What are you still doing here?!" she replies, aghast. "With Emmy Leater, no less!"

The woman slowly raises her head up from the bedside. "Oh, hi."

"I'm going." Fiora walks away, feeling rather numb.

Shulk and Reyn perk up as they see her exit the home. "So what's the verdict, Fiora? Did Dunban send these Mechon here himself and is waiting on some anti-air battery with his hands outstretched as he shouts, 'ATTACK, MY PRETTIES!' Or is he just passed out again?" Shulk asks.

"He's not here," she replies.

"Aw, man, there goes my Dry Lemon," Reyn says with a pout. Shulk yips in joy. "Alright, where to next?"

The group looks around them as they see the colony **burn**. "I mean…there's always Giorgio's." Shulk shrugs.

"The shelters, I guess?"

The Monado Boy says a bit too eagerly, "Or what about Outlook Park, so we can watch everything!"

Reyn blinks. "Um, I meant, like, if we should go and get the Monado or somethin'. That kind of thing."

" _Ohh_ ," the blond pair utter.

"But I have the—" Shulk starts, gesturing to the Monado III on his back.

Reyn strides off. "Don't care."

* * *

As the young adults head over to the Military District, Vangarre's angry, incoherent shouting floats over to grace their ears.

"YOU HIDEOUS MECHON! YOU DIRTY MUMKHAR! WHAT, YOU THINK YOU CAN JUST POKE MY BUTT AND GET AWAY WITH IT?!"

A giant Faced Mechon holds his claws up to his face as if saying, "How did you know?!"

"YOU MECHON, ALWAYS SHRINKING YOUR WORK! HOW DARE YOU POKE THE BUTT OF THE TOP COLONEL IN COLONY 9 WITHOUT GIVING MY BUTTOCKS A MASSAGE FIRST!"

The Mechon stumbles backward. Shulk could swear his face just bleached.

"GO AHEAD, YOU PUNK! I BET YOU DON' EVEN 'AVE THE DECENCY TO DO THAT! YOU'RE ALL A BUNCHA SLACKERS!"

Vangarre screams as the Faced Mechon throws a vehicle at him and flies off, despondent. The machine blows up!

"Oh, poor Vangarre," Fiora deadpans. "Anyway, shall we go?"

Nodding, the boys go to follow her, then pause as she turns down the Residential District bridge. "Um, Fiora?" Reyn says hesitantly.

She stops and scowls at them. "What?"

"You're um…"

"…going the wrong way," Shulk finishes.

Exhaling hard, she storms back to them and makes a Vangarre-like gesture. "Really, again?"

"Should we, I dunno, take our time getting to the lab?" Reyn asks, looking bothered as he glances at the burning Military District.

"Nope!" Shulk declares, dragging the two along.

"B-but…" Fiora watches as Marcia is led along by two soldiers.

The old woman cracks a sickened smile as she waves at the girl. "I hope you die in this chapter, Fiora!" Marcia calls out, still grinning that over-the-top, psychotic smile. The two Defense Force soldiers with her only beam and tighten their grip on Marcia all at the same time. "Hurry up! I want to get to the shelters before the Mechon eat me and I don't have a chance to see my favorite girl get _crushed_ in a flurry of crimson!"

" _Marcia_ ," she growls, tightening her hands into fists. "Oh, we're going now. Nothing can kill me when I have revenge to administer."

Completely oblivious to the woman's joyous screech of her bucket list item, Reyn says as they stride forward, "What did Marcia ever do to you? She's a sweet ol' nutter!"

"Erm, Reyn," Shulk tugs at Reyn's hair, only to not quite reach it. The boy frowns as Shulk grunts and jumps up and down. "Eh! Ugh! Augh, whatever." He dusts his palms off and glances around, as if this was top-secret information that only the highest authorized high stylist would know. "Fiora, she, um, d-dated Zukazu once. It, it didn't go well."

"Ohhh."

Fiora whirls to a halt at the entrance to the fortress. "Well? Hurry up! I want to get to the Monado before the Mechon eat us and I don't have a chance to see Marcia get _crushed_ in a flurry of crimson!"

They only look at each other and slip past her.

"Wait, where are you going?!"

All three halt cold turkey as they see the rubble in front of the laboratory entrance.

"Vangarre…the guys…" Reyn says, shell-shocked. "I-I'm gonna kill him, how could he engage that Mechon like that, was he an idiot or what?!"

"I know, right, hey, um, is Satorl-Breath in there?" Shulk prods at the heavy rebar and rock with the toe of his boot.

"And Timmy, too!"

"Oh my _Meyneth_ , did you not see that the Monado is behind this pile?!" Fiora shouts, grabbing at both boys' earlobes.

"AUGHHH! Oh my Bionis, you're right!" Exclaiming genuinely, Reyn begins to try to climb over the rubble. "If—I can just—"

Shulk points at his Monado III once more. "Um, guys—"

"Don't care, WE'RE ALL GONNA DIEEE!" Then he pauses, exhales, straightens his topee. "Shulk, there's the Mobile Artillery!"

"You do know that I have something much better, right?" the Boy Wonder deadpans.

"Quickly, to the Residential District!" Fiora cries, sprinting into the Commercial District. Then she wheels back around with a slight stumble. "Don't say anything."

As the trio get to the center, where the three bridges converge, they're suddenly surrounded by Mechon on all sides!

"Fiora!" Reyn says. "Run, go get the Mobile Artillery!"

"But I'm gonna die!"

"Fiora, you're not going to die," Shulk says, as if this was the most ridiculous thing he could ever hear. "Fear of death is surpassed by a fear of public speaking, you know." Then he blanches and waves the Monado III in the staring faces of Mechon. "GET AWAY! DON'T LOOK AT ME WHILE I TALK!"

Sighing, Fiora glances down the path toward the Military District. Reyn pushes her shoulders so she's facing the opposite direction. "Oh, thanks. But wouldn't the Residential District by the place where the Mechon would be the most—? A-and what about Shulk, he's gonna totally break apart with the training you received!"

"Don't worry about it, we'll just take care of these ones! Shulk won't die, I swear."

"I've already died, it's fine," Shulk says.

"Well, if you insist…?"

She rushes off. As she does so, the top of a pillar begins crashing down! Screaming, the boys dive out of the way, and Fiora freezes at its great _boom_. With a cringe, she glances behind her, then rolls her eyes. "Great, so I can't bail out now."

* * *

Shulk and Reyn back into each other, their arms trembling as they hold their weapons. The Mechon crumple under the sheer might of the Monado III, but they don't seem to notice.

All they can talk about is the Monado.

"Ah, gah, why?! Why don't you just plain carry the Monado with you all the time instead of that Junk Sword of yours?!" Reyn says.

"I DON'T CARRY MY JUNK WITH ME ANYMORE!" the Monado Boy replies hotly.

With a burst of light that the Monado could never do outside of cutscenes, Dunban appears, not carrying the Monado?

"Deus ex Dunban!" they cry out happily.

"Boys!" Dunban hurriedly finishes pulling his pants up, then cracks a grin and waves his Anti-Mechon sword around. Shulk cringes at the rank smell of his Makna armor. A rotting feather floats off of Dunban, and he smiles sleazily. "You alright?"

"Does it look like we're all right?" Shulk replies.

"Yep. We have the…erm…not…the Monado…but the future is still ours for the taking!" the man finishes in a haphazard vote of confidence. "Now come on! Fiora went for the Mobile Artillery, didn't she?"

Reyn looks up, surprise lighting his face. "How did you know?"

"Dunban's as epic as always! And you think I have poor picks in heroes!" Shulk cheers.

Dunban blinks, silent for a moment. Then: "Um…" He shakes his head hard. "Fiora's always aimed for the big toys. One time even she tried to wield the Monado!"

The boys, stunned, look at him. "That hypocrite!" Reyn remarks.

"Now, let's move! AUUGHHHHHHHHH—" Dunban goes to charge the advancing swathes of Mechon, only to suddenly collapse as electricity engulfs him. The "Monado" flies out of his grip. "Bleah, phtooy!" Reyn groans as the man heaves up blood. "Nope."

Shulk glances around, then twitches as he sees the "Monado" lying on the ground.

"Dunban, you're not well enough for the 'Monado'!" Reyn insists.

Dunban thinks otherwise.

The young scientist's hand spasms at his side. His blue eyes dart to Dunban's collapsed form, which wasn't exactly moving any time soon. Then he makes his move.

"What?! Shulk, you can't take my 'Monado'! That's my precious!" Dunban whines out.

"It's mine!" Shulk screams, grabbing it. "ALL MINE NOW!"

As he rushes toward the approaching machines made of metal, his eyes flash blue as another vision graces his sight. He yips, ducks, and rolls, and the blast meant for him instead hits Dunban just as he goes to stand. "UGH!"

"What?! How did you do that?!" Reyn gapes his mouth at his friend. "Is that another power of the Monado? Hitting Dunban with Mechon blasts?"

Dunban, dumbfounded, finally makes it to his feet. He cringes, ducks, then looks back up and smiles with sheer relief. "Shulk, how did you dodge that attack?" He suddenly has a new sword in his hands that wasn't there before. As he catches Reyn's stare, he stammers, "Always gotta be prepared."

"I-I don't know, I just saw a vision of it! Is this another power of the Monado? Jeez, this thing is just a bundle of science! How could I have missed this in all of my research?"

"Dickson did say exposition about how the Monado was all special in some way… Or did he mean you?" He scratches at his hair as a bewildered look crosses his expression. "I think I was drunk when he said it."

"Dunban," Shulk slams his back against his mentor's. Dunban coughs some more blood out at the impact. "tell me everything! And I mean _everything_! I don't want to go on some fool's mission without this information! It sounds important!"

"Eh, don't remember," the man replies, waving a hand.

"What?! I—"

"Quickly, to the Commercial District!"

"Yes, sir!" the two teenagers bark.

* * *

 **The place where Fiora DIES.**

As the men dash into the Residential District, that same totally-evil-looking Faced Mechon lands in front of them. It gestures a silent laugh as it sees Dunban's Makna Armor.

"Dear Bionis, what is that monstrosity of metal and blood?!

The Mechon grabs at his arm and acts as if Dunban just blurted out the whole truth and nothing but the truth.

"Man, with claws like that, you remind me of Mumkhar!" Reyn remarks.

Silently screaming to nothing in particular, the Mechon looks at its claws and sighs.

"Oh man, I feel so bad for you, they gave you such an ugly face!" Shulk says with a snigger.

"OH, THAT'S IT!" All three jump as the Faced Mechon speaks in a totally evil voice! "DUNBAN, YOUR BRATS ARE JUST AS ANNOYING AS YOU! AND YOU STILL WEAR THAT SUPER STUPID ARMOR, I CAN SMELL IT FROM HERE!"

Dunban only laughs. "Sounds like Mumkhar, too! But that's silly, after all, he died in the Battle of Sword Valley!"

"UGHHH," the Mechon groans. "JUST DIE FOR ME!"

"What?!" Shulk feels like he's been uttering that a lot lately. "Why do you hate us so much?"

"OH, I CAN LIST SO MANY THINGS. FIRST OFF," As the Faced Mechon begins a hopeless battle, every swipe of its claws rattles off another item on its list. "YOU'RE ALWAYS DRUNK, SO YOU BASICALLY THROW ALL YOUR TEAMMATES TO THE DOGS; YOUR BRAT SISTER FLIRTED WITH ME IN ELEMENTARY SCHOOL; SHULK SAW A MOBILE ARTILLERY UNIT FALL ON ME ONE TIME, AND HE DIDN'T HELP ME, HE HELPED FREAKING DEAN AND HIS RESEARCH ON THE PSYCHOLOGY BEHIND CABBAGE PARCELS; AND REYN THREW UP ON MY SHOES ONCE! OH, YEAH!" The group screams as they're thrown backward, purple lightening lancing across them. " _I TOUCHED THE MONADO FIRST WHEN DICKY BROUGHT IT BACK_! _IT'S MINE_!"

Gasping, Shulk moans as if he's releasing constipation (which, to him, it certainly feels like he is), and the grinning face of the Mechon dissolves into…another grinning face of the Mechon as he kills Fiora.

The vision snaps away, and Shulk struggles to stand. His body feels numb, like that time he had to trek up the Bionis for a quest so stupid in his mind that he doesn't even remember what it was for. All he remembers is that it was cold and dumb.

"FIORAAAAAA!" he shrieks.

* * *

 **The time when Fiora DIES.**

The Faced Mechon flips the men off before turning to the Mobile Artillery. It had hoped it could fling it at someone again. Unfortunately, much to its surprise, a girl was in it, and she was Vang-crazy.

"You ugly Mechon!" she shouts, driving it forward in such a way that it knew was totally against Defense Force training. "Die for me, let me hear your screams of anguish!"

The elongated gun turret of the vehicle slams into the Mechon's face.

"OH GOSH!" Surprised, the Mechon loses his balance and, to regain it, stabs his claws into the machine. Then he pauses as he feels something soft _squish_ underclaw. "OH. OH, OH, OH. WHOOPIES."

With a shrug, it lifts its arm up and accidentally throws the Mobile Artillery against a building.

"WOW, AREN'T I A KLUTZ OR WHAT TODAY?" It was being genuine.

Shulk rips out a scream that makes Dunban wince. " _NooooOOOOOoooOOooOo_! The machines really are real! It's bleeding!" he says pathetically. The boy begins sobbing. "All my life's work… All the machines I've sacrificed… All those Mechon…"

The Faced Mechon looks at his claws, dripping with blood. "SWEET." It looks down into the machine and tips it onto its side.

"Fiora!" Reyn bellows.

Shulk continues having a breakdown.

"STOP SCREAMING, OR ELSE I'LL KILL HER FOR REALSIES!" it says in a totally evil voice.

" _NOOOOOOOoooooOOOooooOOOOO_! I'LL KILL YOU!" Shulk shrieks. "S-sometime, sometime after I find a new pair of trousers."

* * *

 **After Fiora DIES.**

 _"_ _Look, I brought you, erm… Um, dinner?"_

 _"_ _Sweet, thanks."_

 _"_ _Eat!"_

 _"_ _It's good!"_

 _"_ _Oh really?"_

 _"_ _You used special herbs and spices today!"_

 _"_ _How did you know?! It's thyme!"_

"Oh… Fiora…" Shulk moans. As he sits in Outlook Park, the sunset glares in his eyes, and he wipes at them as they start to water. "That sandwich was so good… Now they're all telling me that I'll never eat it again… Might as well, Dicky always said my appetite was that of a hollow carcass."

"Shulk, you okay? You kinda stormed up here screaming incoherent nonsense after that Faced Mechon flew away. Something about…" Reyn pauses as he tries to recall his exact words. Then he gives up. "…red lights and living machines?"

"Crimson luminescence and biological contraptions," Shulk corrects absentmindedly. "I'm fine, I just had to stop by Dicky's house to change my whities."

Reyn cringes. "TMI, man."

"Quite frankly, I don't give a crap."

The boy gags. Then he exhales. "Um, so look, the reason I'm here is that Colonel Vangarre's makin' me go and clean up Tim's mess again. Not only do I have to get new ether canisters, I also hafta put down new sod over the donuts he did with the mobile artillery!" the boy says, his voice climbing into a rant.

Then he pauses.

Shakes his head hard.

"Sorry, I guess I'm still shook up over F-Fiora's…"

"Evident demise," Shulk finishes, again in that mindless tone that screams "I'm currently busy thinking _really_ hard about something." "I knew one day that my hypothesis that all female supporting characters in video games where the hometown is doomed to die will never die with it will collapse in an evident demise."

"Eh? I don' really know what you just said there, but what I was gonna ask was if you wanted to go on a journey with me."

Shulk stands and gives his friend a puzzled look. "This is rather sudden of you, Reyn."

"Well, I've always wanted to go on one, see, and since Fiora always held us back from that sorta thing…"

He slams a fist against the palm of his hand. "I can kill all the Mechon!"

"Shulk?"

"ALL THE MECHON!"

Reyn peers at Shulk, then nods as if in approval. "I was hopin' a little me would worm himself into your head!"

"Well, so there's a part of me that's like, 'meh meh meh, listen to Dunban's drunken spiels to me post-attack, meh meh meh,' and another part of me is like, 'KILL ALL THE MECHON, MAKE MEYNETH PAY!'"

"Who's Meyneth?" Reyn asks, looking fazed.

Shulk's eyes glaze over. "No idea. Anyway, it's definitely a little Reyn in my head. Pfft, nothing more than that! I'm not going crazy! I'm just not!" He storms down the stairs from Outlook Park. "What are you talking about, I'M PERFECTLY FINE! JUST FINE! _DUNBAN, YOU'RE TOTALLY RIGHT, WE NEED TO TALK AGAIN_!"

He hurries down now. His voice becomes shrill.

" ** _DUNBAN, I THINK I'M GOING CRAZY_**!"


End file.
